KICK THE PILL or (ITS MY TEAM)
Short Film
Email: [email protected]
Kick the Pill or (Its my team)
by
John Fraser Laing
Final Draft
February 2007
© COPYRIGHT John Laing, 2003
28 Grevillea Road
Ashgrove Qld
Australia 4060
ph 07 3366 5785
mob 0409 612 058
[email protected]
Episode 1
Illegal Aliens
By
John Fraser LaingAussie Rules its more than just a game, it’s a way of life and I suppose life is in the eye of the beholder.
Synopsis: The Carrington pigeons are a team down on its luck and with the consistency of the Black Death, they have managed to linger in a state of despair for the past 28 years, incidentally coinciding with the births of their number one supporters Mick and Al. The glory years of winning at least once a season are now passed and the term a Joke would only serve to boost their ailing confidence. The club ability to stay in the elite level of the state competition lies in it being an original member and cannot therefore be removed by the presiding body and by a stroke of luck. A wealthy widow who inadvertently specified in her will to provide for her cat Carrington mistakenly provided a trust fund to support the Carrington Pigeons affiliation fees.
Setting: The series is set in an inner city suburb, where family groups have and continue live in the same houses and same streets since the first settlement of the area and new blood is hard to find and change is not on the agenda.
Characters: Mick and AL are not brothers, they are more than that, they are mates and Carrington Stalwarts. Mick’s father has passed on, but on his deathbed asked their son to follow Carrington till the day he dies (and sometimes death looks good). Mick’s father was also one the clubs greats, captaining there side to their last premiership. They also asked that his ashes be spread over the Carrington ground when Carrington next win the Premiership, using the clubs1964 premiership cup (which is currently missing). Mick and AL are desperately trying to get this basket case football club into a position to win that elusive flag. Thereby ridding themselves of his nagging mother, who are sick of having the jar, in the shape of a football covered with pigeons, containing their ashes of their deceased Father invading her space and in turn cramping her style and potential grandmother status.
Scene 1: Ext Inner Suburban street Day 1
A HQ holden pulls up outside a terrace house, that is still living in the 70’s. The horn plays la Cooracha. A young man kicks to door open an runs to the door. Banging on the doorAL
Come on MICK the game will be starting.An elderly lady opens the door.
AL
Oh hello MRS B. hows it going, coming to the game.MRS B
Hello Michael, no not todayAL
Pity MRS B it looks like good today, Macca’s playingMRS B
I’ll believe that when I see it, Mr B bless his soul would be rolling in his grave to see a no hoper like that play for Carrington.
AL
Awe go on he’ll be alrightMICK pushes past MRS B eating a piece of toast.
MICK
See ya mum, gotta go the games will be starting soon.AL
See ya MRS BMRS B
Bye MichaelMICK and AL bolt to the car pretending to mark and kick.
Scene 2: Ext Inner surburban street Day 1
The HQ Holden starts up and does a U turn and parks in front of the football ground across the road. MICK and AL get out pretend to kick and mark up to gate.
Speaker sounds: “There has been a late change to the team lists, No. 1 Macca McKenzie has been omitted, No. 71 …what’s his name….oh….your kidding….they are scrapping the bottom of the barrel now ok…..add No. 71 Roy’s mate Bob from down the pub.”MICK and AL enthusiasm drops dramatically
Scene 3: Ext Suburban Football Ground Day 1
Standing in the outer of a suburban football ground, there is a small sad group cheering dejectly. Whilst cut aways to crowd shots of a large fanatically army of opposition supporters.MICK
Oooh…Geez, we almost got the ball then.AL
We’ve been almost getting the ball all game.MICK
I reckon that by the end of the game our kicks will be in the double figures..what do ya reckon Baz?BAZ
No Worries Mick.AL
No worries Mick..yeah.. I am going to get a beer anybody want one?ALL
Yeah your shout Al, beauty, no worries……..AL
(mumbles to himself) Bludgers….
Scene 4: Ext Suburban Football Ground Back of Stands Day 1
A lone figure walks from the Stand to a single stall, with rubbish and the odd spinafex blowing past and looks towards a large and vibrant crowd of opposition supporters at the other end of the ground.AL
Six VB’s Chook…..thanks mate……from my personal stock…..mate
Chook moves away silently to get the beers from the back, there are very few beers sold here
Daryl appears from nowhereDARYL
Gday AlSlaps Al hard on the back
AL
Oh Gday Daz…..not bad, how about you…..Make that seven Chook.Chook stares hard at Al and then without a word moves back to get extra VB
DARYL
Can’t Complain….how are they goingAl gives a hard stare
DARYL
Oh getting flogged again….going to Irish’s party tonight..its out in the sticks.AL
Nah Irish’s is starting to piss me off.Irish appears from nowhere
IRISH
Gday Dazza mateee….Al Mateeeee….Coming to my party tonight.AL
I don’t know mate….where is it…Looks back a Daryl and shrugs
…Make that eight chook…mate
Chook moves away silently to get another beer from the back
IRISH
You gotta come mate everyone gonna be there….even Doris…..you know Doris with the huge melonsIRISH, AL and DARYL all make huge melon gesture
DORIS appears from nowhere
DORIS
Hi guys what you doing can’t wait for your party tonight Sheila’s coming too.
(without a breath)IRISH, AL and DARYL all look at each other very excitedly
AL
Want a beer DorisDORIS
Just the one otherwise I am anyone’s.AL
Make that ten chook …mateChooks stares hard at Al and goes to back to get another Beer
DORIS
Looks at Al smiling
Are you going tonight AL..DORIS blinks eyes rapidly
AL
Well …um…IDORIS
It will be a long drive home from Irish’s shed out in the bush…ah AlDORIS winks
and sometimes you can run out of petrol.. if you know what I mean
DORIS winks more.
Scene 5: EXT Country Road Night 1.
A car with two lonely figures outside it on a dark and deserted stretch of country road. The sounds of the night can be heard.
A black BMW drives slowly past inside is MACCA MCKENZIE with a couple of how women slows down and blow horn and speeds off.MICK
You dickhead..you bloody dickheadAL
What?
MICK
You bloody dropkick mateAL
What?MICK
Your supposed to run out of the petrol with the Sheila on the way home, not with your mate on the way to the party…dickheadWacks Al on the back of the head
AL
Sorry Mick I was just making sure I would run out of petrol.MICK
Jeez your hopeless you not even supposed to run out petrol…you just pretend you moron…crikey your hopelessWacks AL on the back of the head again
AL
But Mick I…MICK
Al I don’t want to hear any of your excuses just….Crikey what’s that!!!AL
What’s what …….ohA bright light appears from above with a whirring noise and a zap sound
MICK and AL cover their eyes trying to see what it is.
Following the zap sound both MICK and AL disappear.
Scene 6: INT Spaceship Night 1.
Inside an Alien space ship
It is dark with numerous flashing lights and screens.
MICK and AL are strapped into a strange device.
They are looking around and seemed to be dazedAL
Where are we?MICK
Take a look aroundAL
Its hard to see with all those flashing lights and stuff
MICK
It’s a space ship moronAL
What a pisser Mick…where in a bloody spaceship, what a pisserMICK
Shut up Al and let me think
AL
Check this out
MICK
Give it a rest, I’ve gotta find away outta her…
AL
You’ve gotta check this out, what your thinking appears on that screen over there…..whoaOn the screen appears AL pashing on with SHEILA
MICK looks over, smiles come over on his face.
The machines shows possible futures.MICK
Gives us a go….
Scene 7: INT Spaceship Main Control Room Night 1.
Inside the main control room of the space ship, two large aliens watch
intentley the two humans via a large screen. The are big and solid, they
make the Terminator look like a anorexic Ethiopian.ALIEN 1
Well Zig, these puny earthlings seem to easily distracted.ALIEN 2
Yes Zag, it will be easy to conquer this planetZIG
We must perform the final testZAG
Yes the brain control probe will prove beyond doubt how weak these humans are.ZIG
Inserting probe into the feeble earthlingZIG presses numerous buttons and pulls levers.
Shot of probe being inserted into AL’s head, from a device appearing from above. AL doesn’t speak only shakes and comes over with a dull smile, the lights are on, but I am not sure if anyone is home.
ZAG
Is the probe now operationalZIG
Fully operational and ready to commence testing
ZAG
Instruct the big Earthling to strangle the small ugly one.ZIG moves more levers and presses more dials.
ZIG
Instruction SetScene 8: INT Spaceship Night 1.
Inside an Alien space ship
MICK and AL are strapped into a strange device.
AL has a vacant smile and his restraints are being removed.
Mick
Shit Al whats happeningAL still has a vacant smile, but steps from the stand and pushes aside the restraints. He turns towards MICK and smiles.
MICK
Are you alright AL?AL moves right up to MICK, moving hands close to MICK’s neck. He shakes his head.
MICK
AL?AL
Shit that was strange, I got this thing shoved in my head….MICK
Its called a brain..AL
Oh yeah….who’s a dickhead now……uh uh
AL starts slapping MICK, who is still in his restraints.AL
Come on pal…..who’s a dickhead now…..uh uhMICK
Just (slap) wait (slap) until (slap) get (slap) out (slap) of (slap) here……Shot to ZIG and ZAG, who look at each other and shrug, press some buttons and look back to main screen showing MICK and AL.
Shot back to MICK and AL
Restraints open on MICK’s device.
AL slapping slows down as MICK pushes restraints aside. MICK has the look of a raging bull, AL looks like he been taunting the lions in a cage and has found the door open.AL
Uh oh…..just having fun a….sorry Mick….
AL begins to run around the single room of the space ship trying to avoid the blows from MICK.
MICK
Stand still so I can hit you…..AL is running around in circles faster and faster, while MICK stops and is waiting for MICK to slow down…AL slows down each time he passes MICK until he stops panting heavily in front of MICK.
MICK
ALAL
(panting) yeahTHUMP, MICK hits AL, who falls to floor and gets up rapidly despite the blow.
AL
What did you do that for?MICK
For being a dickhead….Before AL can reply the two Aliens walk into the room on the spaceship
MICK
Shit!
AL
Shit!ZAG
The little one is quite powerful and the probe had no effect on the big dum one.AL
The big dum one?MICK
That’s you mateAL
Now I am being insulted by aliens from another planet……
The aliens continue to be ambivalent to MICK and ALZAG
Perhaps the probe has malfunctionedWack!…ZIG slaps AL on the side of the head and something falls to the floor, followed closely by AL, who gets up rapidly, completely stunned. AL gives ZIG a Fitzroy upper cut and nearly breaks his knee and falls to the floor in pain. MICK watches in amazment. ZIG gives the probe from AL’s head a intense inspection, while AL gets up again and tries to punch ZIG in the head, nearly breaking his hand.
ZIG
Everything appears in orderZAG
We must find out more…this could foil our plansAL takes a run up and gives ZIG a flying karate kick, hits ZIG and falls to the ground, while ZIG and ZAG turn to MICK.
ZIG
Puny earthling…why are you’re brains immuned to our probe?MICK
I dunnoZIG
Dunno ….. What is this Dunno?AL picks up what looks like a steel bar and begins banging ZAG’s head, only succeeding in bending the bar. While AL is looking in disbelief, ZAG grabs bar and nonchalantly throws AL out of view, which is followed by a large crash.
ZIG
It must be some form of trainingZAG
I agree, they must undertake some form of trainingMICK
Awe you mean Footy trainingZIG and ZAG no move closer to MICK and become interested in what he has to say. There breath smells and MICK has to turn away.
MICK
Crikey what have you guys been eating…….YouZAG grabs MICK and turns his head back towards ZIG
ZIG
You must tell us about this Footy and its training puny earthman before we…..MICK
Do you have a lot garlic on your planet?Wack…ZAG hits MICK, AL jumps up on ZAG and begins thumping his head, ZIG without looking flicks AL off with a thud to the ground.
MICK
What was that for….Wack…ZAG hits MICK again, AL crawls along floor and bites ZAG on the ankle. It tastes terrible and is now trying to get the taste out.
MICK
Okay I will tell you…..Wack…ZAG hits MICK again
MICK
What was that for, I am going to tell youWack…ZAG hits MICK again and smiles
ZIG
It gives him pleasure…..no take us to your Footy trainer!AL is still trying to get the taste out by licking the bottom of his shoe.
Scene 9: EXT Football Oval Day 2.
Middle of a Football oval during training. A numbers of players are attempting to run and pass ball, some are panting on the ground others are smoking etc.
MICK and AL are standing next to the Carrington Coach, who has his back turned to them. ZIG and ZAG are behind MICK and AL, they are made up to look more human and they are looking intense.
MICK
Hey Stan, we’ve got two blokes who want to play footyWithout turning around STAN answers
STAN
Awe yeah …. Just like the last two blokes you foundMICK
It wasn’t our faultAL
Yeah Stan how were we to know they were escaped prisoners.STAN
Its not everyday you get to meet a couple of mass murdersAL
They looked normal to usSTAN
Perfectly normal, except for those beady eyes, the clothes with HM Prison on them and the handcuffsMICK
Well?STAN
I think those blokes dressed up as police chasing them gave It away…don’t you thinkAL
We all Make mistakes.MICK
This one ZIG and this big bloke is ZAGSTAN turns around to give them another blast
STAN
You got to be joking getting two clowns ……Shit
STAN looks at the man mountains in ZIG and ZAG, stunnedSTAN
Crikey …….. you been feeding steroids to giants?MICK
There bloody strong tooSTAN
I betAL
Yeah watch this
AL picks up a spade and wacks ZAG on the head, with no effect on ZAG and bending the spade. ZAG graps AL and sends him flying across screen through the air. STAN and MICK maintain there gaze on ZIG and ZAG.STAN
Your in …. When can you start training
ZIG
We are prepared, we can start nowEveryone in the small groups looks happy and makes gestures to each other such as thumbs up etc.
Scene 10: EXT Football Oval Day 2.
Middle of a Football oval still during training. A numbers of players are attempting to run and pass ball, some are panting on the ground others are smoking etc. Most of the players are moving off back to change room, where the noise of cans being opened is heard. STAN has ZIG and ZAG in middle of ground, showing them a football and trying to explain the rules of the game.STAN
Okay the idea is to get this ball through the two large sticks, that’s called a goal….ZAG picks up the ball and throws through the goals from the centre square.
STAN
…. And is worth ……. Shit …6 points, but you’ve got to kick it through otherwise its ………ZAG picks up another ball and kicks it through the goals from the centre square, the balls continues past the goals and into the distance.
STAN
….. its only worth a point…. Shit
ZIG
Is training complete, do we have the necessary skills?STAN is completely stunned
STAN
I think you might just struggle throughZAG goes to pick up another ball
STAN
That’s enough for tonight…I don’t think we can stand to lose more footballs.Scene 11: INT Outside Football Change Room Day 2.
Outside the change room to men are standing, one immaculately dressed whilst the older man has made some attempt to wear a suit.ROY
Geez did you see that..
BERNARD
My word I did, make sure he doesn’t get away, he’ll have to pay for those leather thingsROY
There footballs BERNARD and that’s good.
BERNARD
Oh so getting those leather things through those two be sticks at the end of the paddock is good even he loses them, well someone gotta to account for those.
ROY
Footballs BERNARD and yes its bloody brillant we need to sign them up.
BERNARD
With what money, you know we have it all invested.
ROY
Keep it quite mate, not to loud
BERNARD
I am not your MATE! Sunny Jim and what can we offer those two Ogres, cold pies?ROY
Can’t hurt, looks like they eat raw meat.ZIG and ZAG walk up to the change room followed by MICK and AL
ROY
Hello boys interested in playing footyZIG
We have already committed ourselves human.
BERNARD
Well we can give 20 kilos of meat pies, but you will have to heat them yourselves.ZIG and ZAG look at each other
ZIG
Four and TwentyBERNARD
YesZIG and ZAG
DealBERNARD and ROY shake hands with ZIG and ZAG falling the floor in pain.
Scene 12: INT Football Change Room Day 2.
ZIG and ZAG are sitting in an old change being passed a pies from a pile by MICK and AL.
MACCA McKENZIE enters the room dressed in a designer tracksuit. With his chest exposed.MACCA
Whats going on guys.
MICK
Just making match payments to the two new stars.MACCA looks put out
MACCA
Oh if I could only get rid of the hammy.
MACCA puts on a limp and walks off.
Scene 13: INT Football Change Room Day 2.
Inside the Carrington change room is very Spartan, many players are in their final preparations, such as finishing cigarettes, combing hair, filling eskies with ice and beer.
STAN moves into to the change room to address the team, ZIG and ZAG are standing behind him, while MICK and AL move to the side of the room. STAN makes gestures for everyone to be quite.
AL wacks ZAG with a spade and makes a loud ringing sound as well as bending the spade. Everyone stops and silently stares at ZIG, ZAG and STAN. Whilst AL is propelled by ZAG across the room.STAN
Okay everyone listen up this is the plan…PLAYER 1
What the same plan as alwaysPLAYER 2
Yeah try and get the ball at least oncePLAYER 3
And if you can kick it or something
PLAYER 1
Preferably to a team mateALL PLAYERS are laughing, STAN is trying to get the team quite. ZIG nods to ZAG.
ZAG moves to the ring leaders and picks one up each hand and raises to his face, They obviously can smell ZAGS breath. ZIG moves in front of STANZIG
Silence puny earthmen or prepare to dieEveryone is immediately silent.
STAN
Should have tried that a long time agoZAG drops ring leaders and moves over and grabs STAN, raising into the air, knocking his head on the roof. STAN falls unconscious to the floor, while ZAG moves behind ZIG and looks menancing.
ZIG
Now sit weaklings and listen to my planALL PLAYERS sit in unison.
ZIG
You are now warriors, who must give their all to smite the enemy.MICK and AL who are behind ZIG and ZAG gesture for players to agree. Eventually players agree.
ZIG
Do not interfere or get in our way…….ALL PLAYERS nod
ZIG
If you get in our way you will die ….. understoodALL PLAYERS nod
ZIG
It is now time to move into battleALL PLAYERS do not want to go out. ZAG moves towards them, they all sprint to door and rush to get out.
Scene 14: EXT Football Ground Day 2.
All the players are on the field, there are spectators surrounding the ground. The small group of Carrington supporters are huddled together, while the large group of opposition supporters are cheering and very excited.
The opposition team is on the field and look very professional and well Carrington don’t.
The umpire goes to toss the coin and calls captains, the opposition captain moves forward, while the Carrington players look disinterested. Out walks ZIG and ZAG, the opposition crowd is silenced, the Carrington supporters cheer, the umpire drops his whistle from his mouth and the opposition captain drops coin. MICK and AL are water boys, AL gives ZAG a bottle to drink, which he crushes and throws into the distance. MICK and AL look smug.UMPIRE
Oh um ….. heads or tails …umZAG
His name is ZIGUMPIRE nods head slowly
ZIG
It does not matter, we will crush these puny examples of humanityUMPIRE and CAPTAIN nod slowly, they look at each other and the CAPTAIN points in direction they are kicking too.
The siren goes, the ball is bounced. All the Carrington players sprint to avoid ZIG and ZAG, while the opposition players are trying to get the ball, without success.
In quick succession ZIG kicks goal after goal. Shots of the score board constantly changing in favour of Carrington. The Carrington small crowd is very excited, while the opposition looked dejected.
ZAG pushes aside the opposition as other Carrington players mingle in their goal square. ZIG is about to kick the ball.ZAG
These puny earthlings will not stand a chance now we are mastering the art of footy.ZIG
We will be able mount our attack now.ALL of a sudden a loud whirring noise fills the ground and a bright light appears above ZIG and ZAG. With a loud zap ZIG and ZAG disappear.
The crowd and players look on in disbelief.
UMPIRE
Well that was strangeCAPTAIN
Yeah you don’t see that everydayUMPIRE
Yeah ….. well ball upAll the players move back, even the Carrington players and the scenes of the scoreboard show the rapid change in fortune, with the opposition gaining back the ground, their supporters are getting very vocal, whilst the Carrington supporters are very silent.
STAN comes out of players race rubbing his head.STAN
What happened?MICK
Nothing mate, everything is back to normalAL
Yeah back to bloody normal again.STAN
Well I better get back to coaching thenMICK
If that’s what you call it.
STAN walks off to the coaches box, still rubbing his head. MICK and AL throw down water carrier gear and head for stand with other Carrington Supporters.ROY and BERNARD head off to the committee room bar and MACCA follows his limp getting more pronounced.
Scene 15: INT Inside Space Ship Day 2.
ZIG and ZAG are inside a space ship similar to the one in Scene 4. They are strapped into a device. An Alien voice appears over a speaker, it is inititially gibberish and slowly becomes coherent.ALIEN 1
Do you understand that for your crimes you will be punished
ZIG
They are nothing but puny humans…
ZAG
They serve no purpose, they cannot defeat us…
ZAP a negative force is pumped through the devices on ZIG and ZAG’s head causing great pain.ZIG
But we ……Another pulse is sent through
ZIG
But…Another pulse is sent through
ALIEN 1
Do you wish us to continueZAG
Yes that was niceAnother pulse is sent through.
ALIEN 1
For your crimes against a new humanity, which is our charter to protect you are sentenced to 300 years on a rehabilitation planet. No.2 which is it to be….In a slightly exaggerated infeminate voice
ALIEN 2
Well there is Altron 2, which specialise in interior decoration or Cirrus 4 that provides rehabiliation through dressmaking and needle craft……..
Scene 16: EXT Inside Space Ship Day 2.
Shoot of spaceship heading into space
ZIG and ZAG’s screams are heard as the spaceship shoots of into spaceZIG & ZAG
Nooooooooooooooo
ALIEN 2
And there’s cooking, I’ve got a fondu set that’s to die for guysZIG & ZAG
Nooooooooooooooo
Scene 17: INT Inside Local Pub Night 2.
Inside a down market inner city pub, where the small group of Carrington supporters meet to drown their sorrows. MICK and AL are holding up the bar.
AL
Two VB thanks ChookCHOOK moves to fridge to get VB’s
DARYL
How’s it going Al, we nearly did mate, is it your shout mateAL
Yeah it was close …… make that three VB’s ChookCHOOK moves off to get more beers
IRISH
Your shout AL ….. close game today mateAL
Yeah only 15 goals in it today … make that four VB’s ChookDORIS
Hello Al, the game was close today, we even got some thingys next to our name today …is it your shoutAL
Hey Chook make it Six VB’sCHOOK again moves off to get VB’s
DORIS
Give us a lift home tonight
DORIS eyes begin to rapidly blinkScene 18: INT Inside Car Night 2.
Shot of AL behind wheel of car
AL
Geez it was real unlucky to run out of petrolShot expands out to view passenger as well
MICK
Geez it was really unluckyMICK clips AL around his ear.
A bright light appears and envelopes the entire car in light. MICK and AL begin to panic and hug each other for protection.
IRISH puts head out of car he is in and turns off spotlightsIRISH
How are you to lovers getting on?MICK and AL drop each quickly
AL
Well we um just run out of petrolIRISH
That old story
IRISH winks to ALIRISH
Well I’ll catch you on the way back chaps, I am just dropping Doris homeIRISH Winks and DORIS waves from passenger seat
AL
BuggerMICK
I wonder what ZIG and ZAG are up to now?Scene 19: INT Inside Alien Classroom Night 2.
Inside an Alien needlecraft classroom, that is full of macho looking Aliens all trying to make a dress.ALIEN 2
Okay girls we’ll just stitch on the lace and its Fondu time..yippee
ZIG and ZAG
Nooooooooooooooooo
The END
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February 2007 © COPYRIGHT John Laing, 2003