NUMBER TWO ECSTACY

by David Wells

Short Film
Email: [email protected]

Desperate father begs plumber to install toilet in the middle of the night only to find out that the toilet has magical healing powers

NUMBER TWO ECSTASY
A SHORT FILM
by
David Wells
FADE IN:
INT. KITCHEN - NIGHT
It is 3:00 in the morning. DAVE, mid-40's, is on the phone
with a plumber. He is stressed. His wife, SUE, holds her
head over the kitchen sink as if she is just about to throw
up. Dave's oldest son, THOMAS, 16, sits on a chair, rocking
back and forth. Dave's daughter, AMY, 13, is pacing and
holding her hand over her mouth. Dave's youngest son, JACK,
5, walks and splashes the water seeping under the bathroom
door.
DAVE
(Tense, desperate)
Can you come out now?
PLUMBER
(tired, groggy)
It's three o'clock man.
DAVE
Your ad says twenty-four seven.
PLUMBER
What's the problem?
DAVE
Our toilet is cracked. Water is
flooding our house. My entire
family has the flu and they're
throwing up and crapping every
five minutes. I need a new
toilet, ASAP!
PLUMBER
Don't you have any other
bathrooms?
DAVE
Hey genius, all the other toilets
are filled to the brim. I had to
turn the water off, get it?
PLUMBER
I don't have a toilet with me.
You'll have to wait until Depot
opens up, which is seven, only
four hours from now.
2.
DAVE
That's too long! Don't any of your
plumber buddies have a spare?
Jack jumps in the toilet water seeping from the bathroom and
the splashes hit Dave in the face.
PLUMBER
I'm not waking them up man. Not
part of the program.
DAVE
Listen, I'm desperate here. If I
see another floating turd, I'm
going to jump. You must be able
to get a toilet!
PLUMBER
I gotta used one.
DAVE
You're killing me!
PLUMBER
It's a prototype, not even
patented yet. My buddy's an
inventor and he's hoping to get
someone to test it.
DAVE
Did he use it?
PLUMBER
Just a couple of times to make
sure everything was okay. To be
honest, I used it too. It's state
of the art, man.
DAVE
Okay, bring it now!
Sue starts heaving in the sink. Jack starts making fart
noises as if he is about to unload.
PLUMBER
Hey, one last thing. This toilet
was designed for the elderly and
handicapped. It's got a built in
fan, hand rails, adjustable bowl
and an extra padded seat. It even
has a receptacle to contain
methane, state of the art, truly
high tech, man. Smell-free and
(MORE)
3.
PLUMBER (cont'd)
best of all, you'll feel great
when you're done.
DAVE
Spray it down and bring it over
...Now!
PLUMBER
Keep your shirt on. It'll cost you
...
DAVE
Now!
Dave looks over at Thomas who is doing deep breathing almost
hyperventilating. Amy slowly jogs in place. Sue holds her
nose and closes her eyes. Jack lowers his head to the water
on the floor and blows bubbles.
INT. HALLWAY - NIGHT
The plumber opens the bathroom door and comes out.
PLUMBER
All set, take a look.
The toilet is huge. A retractable step is in front, a hand
rail is on both sides. A heavily padded cushion is on the
seat. There are three buttons on one of the rails. The
family gathers around the toilet.
DAVE
This a prototype? It looks like a
mutant wheelchair.
PLUMBER
(ignoring Dave)
Yep, my buddy hopes to get a
patent and ship a lot of them to
nursing homes and hospitals. You
know, to ease their pain as they
wait out their final days. It's
high tech man. Everything at your
fingertips. Plus, you'll feel
great after you use it. Takes all
the pressure away. Want me to
demonstrate?
DAVE
(sarcastically)
No, you've done so much already.
4.
PLUMBER
Yeah, he created this thing
because he lost both of his
parents to cancer.
DAVE
Oh, sorry...
PLUMBER
Yeah, they both got zapped in the
lower extremities. The dad got
testicular and the mother, ass
cancer...
DAVE
No additional detail required,
thank you...
PLUMBER
So that was his inspiration. He
created this throne to make it
nice and soft for people to sit
on, do their business and feel
great after.
DAVE
Got it the first time.
PLUMBER
And then as an added bonus, he
wired in a methane button, even
though he isn't an electrician, to
convert the excreted gas into a
pleasant smell, sort of like
tangerines. Want me to
demonstrate?
DAVE
No, we won't be using that button
PLUMBER
(sarcastic)
What, your crap don't smell? Must
be nice. Anyway, that's about it.
DAVE
Okay, thanks for coming.
Sue pushes every one out of the bathroom and closes the
door. She makes heaving noises and then flushes the toilet.
The built in fan makes a WHIRLING sound then SILENCE. The
door opens and she has a smile on her face and a healthy
glow.
5.
SUE
(smiling)
I feel great.
DAVE
Really?
SUE
Yes. First, I upchucked, which
felt good, then I hopped on that
beast and had the best diarrhea of
my life. I feel reinvigorated! I
feel hydrated! I feel awesome!
DAVE
(skeptical)
Really?
SUE
Yep, I'm going into work later.
(shouting)
Who's next? Amy, give it a whirl.
Amy walks in the bathroom and closes the door. The toilet
FLUSHES and the fan WHIRLS. Amy leaves the bathroom looking
spectacular.
AMY
Let's go out for breakfast! I'll
even order runny eggs. I feel
great! Oh yeah, dad, what is the
methane button for? Am I supposed
to push it?
DAVE
Did you?
AMY
Yes.
DAVE
I guess it's okay then.
SUE
Jack, your turn.
DAVE
You may want to go in there with
him. He may drown in that thing.
Sue and Jack enter the bathroom together. Prolonged silence.
Jack opens the door with a beaming smile.
6.
JACK
I didn't even poop dad. All I did
was sit on it for a while and I'm
not sick any more.
Thomas enters the bathroom.
THOMAS
Out of the way little man.
(closes door)
Thomas starts to sing an upbeat song. The fan WHIRLS, the
toilet FLUSHES and Thomas opens the door. He walks toward
Dave.
THOMAS
Not only do I feel better, my
complexion has cleared up, my
athlete's foot is gone and my
B-O has turned to cologne. Dad,
what is going on here? I'm calling
my friends.
EXT. FRONT OF HOUSE - DAY
Dave pulls his car into the driveway. He gets out of the
car. There are 50 teenagers, male and female, standing in
line to enter the house. Dave rushes into the house.
SUE
Sue, Thomas, Amy, what is going on
here?
Sue comes out of the kitchen and walks towards the bathroom
carrying a case of toilet paper and a large bottle of hand
soap.
THOMAS
We're making some good cash here
dad. My friends' complexions have
been clearing up and Rick and Joe
no longer have S-T-D rashes.
Dave looks toward the living room where six of the teenagers
who have used the bathroom are now sitting. All of them are
smiling. Rick and Joe point to their crotches and give Dave
a "thumbs up."
THOMAS
Are they supposed to push the
methane button when they're done?
7.
DAVE
I'm not sure. How much are you
charging for them?
THOMAS
Twenty five bucks per load.
DAVE
I want you to raise it to fifty
bucks, got it? And if they
complain, send them home.
Thomas walks toward the teenagers in line and tells them
that the price has gone up. There is some mumbling and
complaining but they all stay in line.
SUE
This could pay for college.
DAVE
We may want to consider keeping it
open, 24-7. I wonder if I need a
permit for this.
SUE
What do you think is happening
here?
DAVE
Obviously, that toilet has some
magical qualities. It may even
have the cure for cancer for all I
know. Make sure they wash their
hands when they're done.
THOMAS
(Shouting)
Dad, the t-v news guys are here
and want to interview you.
Dave walks outside to be interviewed by reporters.
EXT. FRONT OF HOUSE - DAY
Five reporters gather around Dave and put microphones near
his face.
REPORTER #1
Mr. Williams, tell us about this
toilet.
8.
DAVE
Got it installed last night. The
plumber said it was state of the
art but I didn't know it could
cure all these ailments.
REPORTER #2
How do you explain it?
DAVE
(hesitant, lying)
I'm not a scientist or a doctor,
but I think the built in fan sucks
the ailment out of the people that
sit on it.
REPORTER #1
Sounds ridiculous.
DAVE
Well, do you want to give it a
try? Are you suffering from any
ailments today?
REPORTER #1
I've battled with diverticulitis
and hemoroids.
DAVE
Well, go ahead and use it then.
The reporters enter the house with cameras in tow. A
teenager opens the bathroom door looking refreshed. The
cameras zoom in on the toilet.
REPORTER #1
You sure?
DAVE
Absolutely, have at it.
The reporter closes the door. There is MOANING noises
followed by happy singing. The toilet FLUSHES and the fan
WHIRLS. The reporter opens the bathroom door.
REPORTER #1
I feel like a new person. I
haven't felt this good in years. I
feel about ten pounds less, no
stomach pain and most of all, no
oids. Wow!
9.
DAVE
Told you!
The reporters all start clamoring and trying to get in the
bathroom.
DAVE
Please, one at a time.
INT. KITCHEN - DAY
Sue hangs up the phone and signals with a head movement for
Dave to come to her.
DAVE
What's up?
SUE
I just got off the phone with John
Goodman, you know the guy from
Roseanne. He's in town promoting
some movie and just saw the
interview with you on t-v. He's
coming over now. He's going to pay
us five thousand dollars cash to
use the toilet.
DAVE
Wow, okay. We'll make sure we give
him some privacy.
EXT. FRONT OF HOUSE - DAY
The line into the house stretches around the block. Police
are directing traffic. Ambulance paramedics are wheeling
people on gurneys toward the house. A large limousine pulls
up to the house. John Goodman (or a lookalike) steps out,
waives and enters the house.
INT. HALLWAY - DAY
John hands Dave the cash. Dave clears the house so John has
complete privacy. John enters the bathroom and closes the
door.
DAVE
Good luck!
10.
JOHN GOODMAN
(from bathroom)
Thanks man!
EXT. FRONT OF HOUSE - DAY
All in line gather in front of the house waiting for John
Goodman to come out. The door blasts open and John rides a
wave of water with a huge smile on his face. Dave runs up
to John.
DAVE
John, you okay?
JOHN GOODMAN
Oh yeah man! I was just messing
around with the methane button
after I did my business and I
guess I blew up the toilet.
DAVE
I guess you did. How'd that
happen?
JOHN GOODMAN
Guy, you don't want to know what I
left behind in there. I think I
ignited the methane. I've been
drinking a lot of electrolytes
lately, you know, to keep me
hydrated. Maybe the electricity
residue from the electrolytes in
the Gator Aid sparked it.
DAVE
(processing)
Maybe...sorry about that...how do
you feel?
JOHN GOODMAN
Never felt better and probably
fifteen pounds lighter. I'll cover
you on the damage, promise. What
is the deal with that toilet?
Everyone gathers around Dave and John to hear the answer.
DAVE
John ...
The crowd goes silent.
11.
JOHN GOODMAN
What is it man?
DAVE
John...
JOHN GOODMAN
Come on man. Tell me.
DAVE
I think the toilet played a role
in healing everyone but that's not
what did it. It's the hand soap.
JOHN GOODMAN
Huh?
DAVE
Did you wash your hands before you
pushed the methane button?
JOHN GOODMAN
In fact I did.
DAVE
There were three kids who used the
toilet today and they didn't get
cured. None of them washed their
hands!
JOHN GOODMAN
Amazing.
DAVE
Yes John. The toilet had a
purging, cleansing effect but it
was the antibacterial soap that
healed them. I think the
reprocessed methane combined with
the chemicals in the soap making
it super potent. The methane
served as an intensifying agent.
JOHN GOODMAN
Man, you're getting too scientific
now. All I know is that I feel
better and that's all that
matters. I'm heading to Quiznos.
DAVE
Well, now that you broke the
toilet, all we can hope for is
that people keep washing their
(MORE)
12.
DAVE (cont'd)
hands as a preventative measure.
Take care big guy. And please,
keep washing those big hands of
yours.
JOHN GOODMAN
Thanks bud. And I will cover you
on the toilet.
John and Dave hug. John smells his hands and smiles,
obviously pleased with the scent. John waives to the crowd
and enters the limo.
Dave enters the garage and brings out a sealed box. He
opens the box which is a case of antibacterial soap. Dave
starts handing the soap to the crowd along with a hand
towel.
DAVE
(yelling)
Listen up everybody. This
certainly has been a historic day.
What have we learned? We've
learned that going to the bathroom
on a special toilet can certainly
be fulfilling and may even sooth
our ailments but unless we have
good hygiene, it's all for naught.
So people, please go home, crap
whenever the spirit moves you, but
most importantly, please wash your
hands when you're done. Now
everybody, go home and have some
good "clean" fun with your family.
Those receiving the soap and towel are stunned,
disappointed, confused. Dave walks over to an elderly lady
laying on a gurney next to a paramedic.
DAVE
(sensitive)
What are your ailments?
OLD LADY
(weak voice)
Everything's going on me. Don't
have much longer.
DAVE
Well, you should scrub those mits
two times then.
Dave lays the soap and towel on the gurney.
13.
OLD LADY
(weak voice)
What the hell...
The paramedic leans over to provide comfort to the lady.
Dave walks over to the toilet with a proud, large smile on
his face. He shrugs his shoulders and walks into the house.
FADE OUT.

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